An LBQ session on Intimate Partner Violence,Substance Abuse and Leadership

We had the opportunity to have MS Abby from Kenya Institute of Professional Counselors to talk about LBQ issues like Intimate Partner Violence, Substance abuse in LBQ community and the people they look up to as role models in the community.

Starting it off we talked about Intimate partner violence among the LBQ women, Intimate partner violence is a pattern of coercive and abusive behaviors that are used to maintain power and control over one’s partner. LBQ women just as their heterosexual counterpart in domestic partnership experience intimate Partner violence. IPV encompasses so many forms which include physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Economic Abuse and Sexual Abuse

Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body.

Examples of physical abuse include:

• • Scratching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking.

• • Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate.

• • Pulling your hair.

• • Pushing or shoving you.

• • Strangling and chocking

Emotional abuse is a set of behaviors in which a person manipulates, coerces controls,belittles and terrorizes another person repeatedly. Emotional abuse can be subtle and insidious or overt and manipulative. A partnership can be unhealthy or abusive even without physical violence.

Example of emotional abuse;

• • Verbal violence

• • Bullying

• • Gaslighting

• • Criticism.

• • Telling you what you can and can’t do

• • Intimidation and threats.

Economic Abuse – When we think about Intimate Partner  Violence the only ones that come in min are emotional and physical violence, but economic abuse is also a form of violence that people who are in a committed relationship or partnership go through. Sometimes an abuser may use subtle tactics like manipulation while other abusers may be more overt, demanding and intimidating. In the end, the goal is always the same—to gain power and control in a relationship.

Economic abuse include;

• • Exploiting your resources: This occurs when a dating partner or spouse uses or controls the money you have earned or saved. Some examples of this exploitation include:Feeling entitled to your money or assets

• • Interfering with your job: This occurs when a dating partner or spouse attempts to control your ability to earn money or gain assets, this can be by Sabotaging or not honoring your work responsibilities

”I couldn’t get her to do anything, all she did was wake up, sleep and eat while I was the only one providing, she didn’t even want to look for a job for over 5 years, I felt like I was in a financially abusive partnership, because at the end of it all she was pretty demanding”

“ I wouldn’t classify some as financial or economic abuse since some studs at the start of a relationship take up the responsibilities of providing in the relationship, so I see no big deal with that, it all boils down to communication between the two of you when money falls short”

Economic abuse can prevent victims from moving forward with their lives even after physically escaping an abusive relationship; this is due to financial dependence on the abuser.

Sexual abuse this aims to force the victim into submission or invalidate their spirit by breaking them down and overstepping their boundaries by coercion. A victim may experience rape, unwanted touching, sexual harassment, being pressured into uncomfortable sexual acts, or more. A partner may also withhold sex as a tool to maintain control for punishment.

Violence at the end of the day may lead to substance abuse in partnerships as away of seeking relief or as a coping mechanism. Spousal abuse has always been identified as a predictor of developing a substance abuse problem and/or addiction. Substance abuse is also to be blamed for escalating intimate partner violence, because there’s a correlation between it and intimate partner violence.

 

Causes of Substance Abuse

• • Belief that it eases stress

• • Peer influence

• • Violence in relationships that leads to anxiety and depression

• • Internalized homophobia and social stigma

• • Poverty,in which people seek to drown their reality of being poor

• • Hereditary and genetics

What are the effects of substance abuse?

• • Addiction and Dependency on the drug

• • Exposure to infections such as HIV/AIDS

• • Hallucinations and withdrawal symptoms

• • A weakened immune system, increasing the risk of illness and infection

• • Eating Disorders.

• • Problems with memory, attention and decision-making, which make daily living more difficult

 

How can you get yourself out of substance abuse?

Developing substance addiction isn’t a character flaw or a sign of weakness and it takes more than willpower to overcome the problem. The toughest step toward recovery is recognizing that you have a problem and deciding to make a change. Here’s how you can get yourself out;

• • Medically Assisted Therapy, for drug users which is available at Jaramogi Oginga Odinga Teaching and Referral Hospital, MAT clinics use methadone, in combination with other support strategies, to reduce the severity of withdrawal symptoms associated with drug cessation and increasing likelihood of a successful recovery.

• • Hydrotherapy, the use of water, both internally and externally and at varying temperatures, for health purposes.

• • Therapy can help you identify the root causes of your substance use, repair your relationships,and learn healthier coping skills.

• • Who do you allow in your life?  Don’t hang outwith friends who are doing drugs . Surround yourself with people who support your sobriety, not those who tempt you to slip into destructive habits.

On leadership who do we look up to in the community? Those with zeal and vigor who are well recognized in the LGBT community.Do we have career champions?

“Ms. Don Catherine (Director Women Working With Women) because of her we’ve been able to have sessions for support for us LBQ women, because of that I believe she’s my career champion” Said one woman.

There were many people who were mentioned those who are advocating for rights of the marginalized group like LGBT ; but what are the qualities of these leaders?

• • A good leader should be assertive and focused,Someone who is assertive behaves confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe in

• • Creative,good leadership calls for creativeness, coming up with plan B’s and problems solving skills

• • Delegation and empowerment, as a good leader you can’t be micromanaging your subordinates,give them opportunity too.

• • Empathy,do you show and understand feelings, can you place yourself in another person’s situation?

• • Confidentiality and non-judgmental, if someone tells you something private you must never let the cat out of the bag in whatever circumstance. You must also not judge the said.

• • A good leader should be emotionally intelligent; do you have outbursts at times? Recognize that and know how to manage it.

• • A good leader should be Charismatic,you should have the ability to attract the attention and admiration of others,and to be seen as a leader

Wrapping it up we discussed on how to get out of violence in a partnership/relationship; It can be difficult to recognize the signs of abuse in a relationship, as people who are abusive are not always that way. Things can get worse gradually, and abuse can take many different forms. The following are the ways you can get people out or you can get out of violence;

• • Report the matter to relevant authorities, the police have been sensitized on same sex issues and may act as a pillar if you or someone you know is experiencing violent abuse,the Gender Based Recovery Center is also a safe place to run to as they help with matters of IPV.

• • If you feel like you can turn violent by confronting your partner or during arguments it is wise to walk away from the situation to prevent dire consequences.

• • Stop excusing violent behaviors, We all at times experience stress, trauma, anger, and fear. Someone who is abusive may use these things as excuses for her behavior. But really, she behaves like this  to try control what you do and to get her own way, and it is likely she does it in private so that no-one else will know.

• • Do you know of any perpetrators? Call them out instead of letting them get away with violent behavior

• • We’ve normalized violent behaviors the best thing we can do is get therapy for dysfunctional relationships.

How do you then walk out of such partnership/relationships?

• • Put yourself first before anyone else, if someone is abusive why would you compromise your sanity by staying in such an abusive relationship

• • You should avoid isolation, ensure you have a good support system  the moment you walk out

• • Always have a role model who can help you make decision and attach yourself to them. These people help you redirect yourself and walk out.

If you know someone who is in an abusive LBQ  relationship, your support can help.

• • Listen to, believe and offer practical support to a woman who confides in you about violence. Ask “How can I help you?” or “What can you do to make yourself safer?

• • Don’t excuse or deny the abuse.

• • Help her understand it is not her fault.
• Support her confidence to make her own decisions, and don’t tell her what to do.