Laying it All on the Table: Dating Someone with HIV?

When Jess first met Alex at a Kisumu LGBTQ+ community event, she was immediately drawn to her warm smile and kind eyes. They quickly hit it off, sharing stories about their lives, interests, and the challenges they faced as queer women. But as their relationship grew deeper, Jess couldn’t shake off a lingering fear—Alex was living with HIV.

Jess had always been aware of HIV, but she didn’t know much beyond the basics. The idea of dating someone with HIV filled her with anxiety. What if she contracted the virus? How would it affect their relationship? Could they even have a future together? These questions haunted her, but she didn’t want to let fear get in the way of what felt like a once-in-a-lifetime connection.

One evening, Jess decided it was time to openly discuss her fears with Alex. They sat down together in the living room, the air thick with tension.

“I care about you so much, Alex,” Jess began, her voice trembling slightly. “But I’m scared. I don’t know how to navigate this.”

Alex reached out and took Jess’s hand, her grip reassuring. “I get it, Jess. It’s a lot to take in. But I want you to know that it’s safe to be with me. We just need to lay it all on the table and talk about how we can keep each other safe.”

 Understanding HIV: Knowledge is Power

The first step in their journey was getting informed. Alex explained how antiretroviral therapy (ART) works, reducing her viral load to undetectable levels. This meant that the virus couldn’t be transmitted to Jess—a concept known as Undetectable = Untransmittable (U=U).

Jess was amazed to learn that with consistent use of ART, Alex could live a long, healthy life without putting her at risk. This knowledge was empowering, but it also highlighted how much misinformation was out there.

The Role of ART in a Discordant Relationship

Alex had been on ART for several years, and her healthcare provider monitored her viral load regularly to ensure it stayed undetectable. She shared with Jess the importance of sticking to her medication regimen and attending regular check-ups.

“This isn’t just about keeping me healthy,” Alex explained. “It’s about protecting you, too. When my viral load is undetectable, the virus can’t be passed on. We can have a normal, healthy relationship without fear.”

Jess felt a wave of relief wash over her. The fear that had once seemed insurmountable was starting to diminish, replaced by a sense of hope.

PrEP: An Added Layer of Protection

As they continued to explore their options, Alex suggested that Jess consider taking Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP), a daily medication that significantly reduces the risk of HIV infection.

“At first, I wasn’t sure if I needed it,” Jess admitted. “But after talking to my doctor, I realized it would give me extra peace of mind. It’s like having a safety net.”

PrEP became a part of Jess’s daily routine, and knowing that both of them were taking proactive steps to protect their health made her feel more confident in their relationship.

Regular Testing and Open Communication

Another key aspect of their relationship was the importance of regular HIV testing and monitoring. They made a commitment to get tested together every few months, not just for HIV, but for other sexually transmitted infections (STIs) as well.

“It’s not just about HIV,” Alex pointed out. “Staying on top of our overall sexual health is important. Plus, it gives us a chance to check in with each other and make sure we’re both feeling good about where we’re at.”

Their communication also became more open and honest. They discussed their sexual practices, set boundaries, and made sure they were both comfortable with the choices they were making. This level of transparency deepened their trust and brought them closer together.

Breaking the Stigma: HIV Doesn’t Define a Person’s Worth.

Despite the progress they made, Jess was still concerned about the stigma surrounding HIV, especially within the queer community. She knew that Alex had faced discrimination in the past—not just because she was queer, but because of her HIV status.

“It’s heartbreaking,” Alex confessed one evening. “People see HIV as a deal-breaker, but it’s just a part of who I am. It doesn’t define me.”

Jess realized that part of being a supportive partner meant challenging the stigma head-on. They started talking openly about their relationship with friends, educating others about U=U and PrEP, and advocating for better understanding and acceptance.

“Silence is a form of violence,” Jess said during one of their conversations. “If we don’t speak up and educate others, we’re allowing that stigma to continue.”

 The Power of Support Systems

Throughout their journey, Jess and Alex found strength in their support systems. They joined a support group for discordant couples, where they met others navigating similar challenges. These connections provided them with practical advice, emotional support, and a sense of community.

“It’s comforting to know we’re not alone,” Jess said after their first support group meeting. “Hearing other couples share their stories helped me see that what we’re experiencing is normal and that we can get through it together.”

Alex had been part of the 3Ws support group for a while where she sought out mental health care to help them cope with the emotional aspects of living with HIV and AIDS. Therapy sessions allowed them to explore their feelings, address any lingering fears, and strengthen their bond.

Planning for the Future

As their relationship blossomed, Jess and Alex began to think about the future. They discussed the possibility of having children and explored the options available to them, such as sperm washing and assisted reproductive technologies such as IVF and surrogacy.

“We’re just like any other couple,” Alex said with a smile. “We have dreams and plans for the future, and HIV isn’t going to stop us from achieving them.”

They also made a commitment to continue regular consultations with their healthcare providers, staying informed about new prevention methods and addressing any concerns that might arise.

 Love is for Everyone: No Exceptions

Today, Jess and Alex’s relationship is stronger than ever. By laying it all on the table, they were able to overcome their fears and build a loving, healthy partnership.

Their journey has taught them that love is for everyone—no exceptions. HIV doesn’t define a person’s worth, and with the right knowledge, support, and communication, discordant couples can thrive.

“We’re not just surviving,” Jess says with pride. “We’re thriving. And we want others to know that it’s possible. It’s time to break the silence, end the stigma, and create a world where everyone, regardless of their HIV status, can love and be loved.”

As they continue to advocate for HIV awareness within the queer community, Jess and Alex hope to inspire others to have those difficult conversations, educate themselves, and support one another. After all, love isn’t about fear—it’s about acceptance, understanding, and growth.

So, let’s lay it all on the table and start talking. Because silence isn’t just a missed opportunity—it’s an act of violence. And we owe it to ourselves and our communities to be part of the solution.

 (pseudo names used to protect the identities of the participants)

Stories from our Queer Positive Series 

Compiled and Written By: Wanga Joy Loice, Communications and advocacy lead 3W